Fear and Loathing in Mushroom Kingdom
by Aurlito
Summary: Mario has become a drug addict. And Princess Peach is abducted again, this time she's being held in Vegas. Mario is too tired, too confused and too angry at world, meanwhile he has to collect 1000 coins to pay the ransom. Donkey Kong offers him a job and-


We were nearly there when the drugs started to take over. The desert around us started to fade out and bodies covered in shadow were suddenly surrounding Yoshi.

I wanted to roll me and my long-time partner a joint, but my shaking hands failed me. Our ultimate purpose in filling our throat with acid and stuffing our nose with cocaine was to cease the anxiety. We were to pay a thousand coins to Bowser and save Peach, whom was held hostage again. This time in Vegas. Me and Luigi did not even want to think what she was doing there. But it had happened before we even knew she's in Vegas and the quest was started before we even notice.

We arrived late at a cheap, dirty hotel. Our plan was to gamble our modest 50 coins till we could collect enough coins for the ransom. We opened our suitcases in the hotel room, took a shower and gargled some mouthwash. We wore our patchy suits and went downstairs to lose our money, and we did. We won enough to pay the hotel bills, grab our stuff and move to a stale motel at the end of the town.

I couldn't sleep. Although Luigi instantly fell asleep and Yoshi was tied up outside. As I was watching T.V., somebody knocked on the door. Who could that be? I took the risk and found Donkey Kong standing in front of me.

- Hey ye old friend!

- How did you know that we're here?

- You don't care about your old pals but I do. I heard you got into some trouble with Bowser...eh...Again?

- Yes. And I don't think this concerns you.

- Yes it does. You need money, right?

- Mmmm

- Come on. I'm not going to give you charity.

- I can't pay you back.

- Who said anything about a loan? Do I look like a Jew to you? Am I hook-nosed? Do I have long beards? I'm a trust-worthy, Catholic Guerilla!

- I'm sorry if I've offended you.

- Don't worry. I just need some deed to be done. And then you can get enough money to pay the ransom.

- And what's that?

- I'm running for the governor.

- So?

- I'm in a homophobe party.

- And?

- Let's cut to the chase. I need you to kill some homosexuals for me.

- W..what?

- Homosexuals. Ever heard of them? Those nice looking man who fuck other man out of their manliness?

- I'm not sure what you're talking about. How me killing some faggots will help you?

- It'll help people who run the election, not the people who vote you egg-nosed fuck! Just do it, will you?

- I have to think.

- Alright, you have the right to think. It's the only right you have in this country! Sit here and think, and I'll wait to hear about a homosex massacre while I'm drinking some banana-milk and watching teenage girls taking sun-baths and texting with their iPhones. It gives me hope you know. Good-bye my friend, for now!

That ugly-looking monkey left me wondering about the job he gave me. I didn't care about faggots. And I certainly didn't care about karma. Life is a big bubble of nothingness. It's empty and absurd. But it's the only thing we got, and we must struggle to keep it.

I tried to wake up Luigi but he was sill high on mushrooms and he could be more trouble than help. I decided not to use Yoshi since he was a unique characteristic and hoping on him after killing people would not be clever. So I took a Taxi and told him to take me to a "gay place", with a very raspy voice so he would suspect that I'm a homosexual.

I ended up in a private beach party. It was easy to get in because these days, even I with my masculine looks could be a raging homosexual.

I kinda agree with homophobes. Homosexuality is disgusting (Lesbians are hot though). Back in the nineties when homosexuality was still a taboo, I asked some people who were protesting for gay rights this simple question: "Why?". They couldn-t come up with any logical answers. Instead they hit me with assertions and fallacies. I've never talked with a homosexual - at least someone who I know is not one- since then.

I didn't pause to drink appletinis and talk about how a "fuck machine" some person is. I became firey. I shot fireballs while jumping from a height to another. Each shot killed one man. They couldn't catch me. I think a few people could escape from my fireballs. How many homosexuals did I kill that night? God knows. I became normal again. Jumped into sewers and with difficulty, found my way to the motel through those stinking mazes.

It was twilight when I arrived. Luigi an Yoshi were both asleep. I took a shower, shot some heroin, threw out my sewer-dirty cloths and went to sleep. Before I was deep into my hazy dreams, I heard a short "ding". It was probably a Donkey Kong giving me a thousand that he promised.

That afternoon when I woke up, I gave the ransom money to Luigi. I didn't have much power for a Princess-saving quest. Specially when the princess was an extravagant "party" kind of girl. Luigi was probably gone for hours, and I tried not to think about what I had done last night. Guilt would make me go berserk. Instead I watched some PBS on an ancient SD set which I swear, didn't even had composite input. Then I surfed the Web with my netbook. Then I smoked some weed. Then I watched PBS while surfing the web while smoking some weed. Then I went out to some bar and drank god-knows-much shots of Tequila. A girl sat next to me, and started to babble out some bullshit but she suddenly stopped when saw my silence. I realized that I was took drunk and I needed a ride home, so I played along and laughed out loud to her jokes... or was they even jokes? What was this bitch saying? WHAT ARE YOU SPEWING OUT YOU WHITCH? Did I just say that? Or was I just thinking?

Next day I found myself in bed with that girl in a large hotel suit. I walked out of the room and found my work pants twitched on an expensive carpet. I searched the pockets and all I found was my near-empty wallet and a pack of cheap cigarettes which tasted like shit. It tasted like shit for me. But somebody else might find it better than a luxury Cuban cigar. Quality of cigarettes is really subjective. I heard that once an emperor, on his journey to a far-far-away land, couldn't sleep at night because he didn't bring any pack of his favorite smoke. Though he was offered the most expensive cigarettes, he aborted the journey shortly after he found himself miserable due to the lack of his beloved rolled tobacco.

So there I was, sitting in that "bourgeois" hotel suit which if Marx was alive, he would be proud of his work. Because this suit might belong to an ass-faced Jew who lives by the modern-day usury. I was wrong. A man walked in. I jumped off the chair and covered my bare body with my unworn shirt. And looked at Wario whose eyes were stabbing me in heart.

- I know what you did.

- Yes, I screwed your girlfriend. I said, giggling.

- No. "That other thing".

- I'm not sure what you're talking about. Did I screw another of your girlfriends without knowing?

- Quit talking. I know about the massacre.

- What massacre? I swear I didn't kill those Jews. They just kinda hopped into oven themselves and someone else burned them!

- Not a funny joke. But it comes from a man who's killed 150 men.

- Which men?

- Want it or not, I will blackmail you. I will make you to pimp peach. I will make you and Luigi fuck in front of camera for money. I will make you to become a circus dog... I will...

- Ease one bro. Someday you will. Meanwhile see if your girlfriend thinks I'm better than you in bed, which I am. I just need confirmation.

He panted for a little while. Then picked up my clothes and threw them at me.

I knew this wasn't going to end good. I was in Vegas, broken, without any drugs. All I could do was to hitchhike to the motel and pack our stuff. Luigi arrived, sweating, shivering and breathing quickly. Peach was with him. I handed them their suitcases. Luigi protested "I'm tired as hell- please wait at least one day".

- Can't. Wario is in Vegas, and coincidently he knows what I did.

- What did you do, Mario?

- I killed a handful of faggots for Donkey Kong. He offered me a thousand coins in cash. I had to do it.

- Well I can't blame you. - Said peach.

- Of course you can't you fuck-faced bitch. I did it for you. Like I've done it, like, a million other times. Why were you captured by bowser again? And in Vegas?

- Well...

- Stop it. Let's go.

We mounted our Yoshi and rode directly towards the desert. I didn't want to be seen in the city again.

Peach and Luigi were seem to have the best time of their lives. While I was anxious, had a headache and completely out of drugs which kept me going in the past.

On the edge of the desert, we stopped for a while. I laid down beside a riverbed, looking at the clear sky, I thought "What's wrong with me? Why do I always feel empty, out-twisted, and hopeless? Then I realized- It's not me- It's everyone. It's the society's fault that I feel pathetic. Consumerism, Capitalism, Corporate Jews... They're all responsible for my breakdown.

Something hit me on head, and I was woken up in a warehouse. Luigi and Peach were handcuffed together in a corner. Wario and his various minions were standing in front of me. One of them punched me in the face twice. I felt blood starting to fill my mouth. I heard Wario saying "Let him go guys!". And started talking directly to me.

- Do you want death or peace of life?

- Either. Sounds the same.

- Eh. So let's say you prefer a peaceful life. Tell me, what brings you peace?

- Nothing. There's nothing exciting in world. Because people think they're in peace.

- Ditto! People aren't in peace. They're always fighting, but this time their warfare is pointless. We indeed live in a gloomy time. Modern-day equivalent of feudalism. But instead everybody is an slave of himself. Isn't that the worst thing that happened to humanity? When Communism came, I had hope. When Socialism came, I had hope. When Capitalism came, I had hope. But they're all vanished. They're all shattered into pieces. Man has ascended from trees. He shouldn't act otherwise. Anarchy is the answer! To hell with the laws! To hell with the traditions! To hell with the governments! We should rule ourselves by ourselves, instead of obeying ourselves! One man, one universe!

- I... I agree.

- You should! Do you want peace or not?

- Yes. But I assure you, you can't give me peace.

- I will. Come with me.

We walked out of the warehouse. I was crippling a bit so Wario dragged me for three yards until we reached a cliff. I looked down to the valley. It was full of naked men and women.

- These are scums of the earth. Said Wario. Homosexuals. Prostitutes. Jews. Greedy men. They are all what's wrong with the humanity.

- What will you do with them? But first of all, how are you sure that they are what you say? How do you know if they weren't just acting like those people?

- "Because my friend..." He turned around, facing me "A real man would rather die than become a pig".

- I agree. But I said, what are you going to do with them?

- Kill them, of course. This valley is under one of my satellites that will emit beams full of nano robots that will penetrate one's brain and grill it! With touch of a button!

- Then do it.

- No. I give you the honor. This is the detonator. Press this big red button... and the it's all gone in matter of seconds!

- Alright

I pressed that big red button. A beam of light drowned the valley. I couldn't see anything else until it was fully gone... and we were left with bodies of what you're fooled into calling human... While they're nothing but sub-human scums. Homosexuals, Jews, Prostitutes and Greedy men...


End file.
